made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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