I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Randomize
