he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
