you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
