My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Randomize
