Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize