someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
