My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
