Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
