What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
