sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
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just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
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we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.