There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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