She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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