I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
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