I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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