also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
