guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
