SEEEEXXX PLEASE
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
