I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
