one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
