i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
