I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
