Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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