I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
should my penis look like a turkey
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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