I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
