i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I don't want my vagina anymore.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
