The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
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