I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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