All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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