You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
