I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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