my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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