She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
