What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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