Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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