Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
