nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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