My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
