My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
