My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
