i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
