Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
