so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
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