Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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