There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
