I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
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