I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
