Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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