My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
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