i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Randomize
