Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
