U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Randomize
