I hate your face
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
you traded sex for a burrito?
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
