I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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