my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
be right there i have to get my cape
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
