Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
