it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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