dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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