I wish I could punch you in the face.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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