so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
